Porsche Cayenne (2010 - 2018) 3.0D Diesel 5d Tiptronic S Owner Review

Every journey is an effortless occasion. Every bend is a pleasure. Every switch is made from granite. The leather must come from corn fed virgin Waggu beef calves, it is so supple.

I drive with my reading glasses perched on my nose, just so I can see clearly the magnificence of the dashboard layout and of course, the enameled Porsche crest in the middle of the steering wheel, which can assist with penile dysfunction should the odd boner be required en route.

It's also, as I found out, the fastest small removal van in the world.

Treat the throttle gently you'll get 45mpg (UK). Drive like a hooligan and you'll get 34. On a tank, I have gotten 890 miles on one memorable trip.

Could I criticise anything? Well it likes to eat a rear tyre and tracking set up is key to prevent this.

Lose a key and, as per the sage words in Exodus 21:7-11, expect to sell your youngest offspring into slavery for six years to fund a replacement. Put the AC in Max mode and it rather sounds like Neil Peart sound-checking after a long night on the old Colombian marching powder.

Press the sport button and expect it to go from docile walrus mode to snarling tiger shark in the push of a finger, literally offering out any car that dares to tailgate it or not match its considerably swift progress. Although it actually doesn't make that much diff to fuel econ if you do.

A top tip- unless your primary reason is to take Instagram pics in which to tag Kanye West, wearing a garish tracksuit and holding a bunch of dollar bills, avoid the 22" alloys. I failed abysmally to do this and my 22" wheel selection have resulted in a relationship with my dentist that borders on the illegal. Any sight of a pavement in wider vicinity and my wheels will aim for it like a kurb-seeking missile, determined to scour every inch of lacquer and aluminium off themselves.

I cannot think of a better car to own, be seen in or to drive.

It really is THAT good.