Volkswagen Arteon Coupe (2017 - 2024) Elegance 2.0 TDI SCR 150PS 5d Owner Review

This just might be the car that was created just for me. I’m a 40-year-old man. This means that my midlife crisis is billowing and that part of me longs to buy a two-seater sports car. Which would be a wonderful thing to do, were it not for two small problems. First, I can’t have one. Partly because I need to use it for work, and they wouldn’t let me, and partly because my wife would think – rightly – that I had completely taken leave of my senses. And second because, I don’t want one. Not really. For sure, I could have a riotous time driving across, let’s say, the North Yorkshire Moors, but first I’d first have to drive it to North Yorkshire. And I have little doubt that long before I got to Pickering, I’d have a headache and a bad back and be in no mood to enjoy any more driving of any kind. What I actually want is a car that looks good enough to draw admiring glances, and make people think that I’m interesting. But which is equally good at the boring stuff. That’d be the Arteon, then, which looks fantastic. From the wide grille that makes the car appear wider and lower to the ground than is actually the case, to those headlights to the four frameless doors, it’s something that you can see reflected in a shop window – as my wife did – and think “ooh, that’s a nice car”. And then realise that it’s yours. But it’s also almost exactly the same length as the Passat estate that it would be replacing, so it offered the promise of something that I could actually use as well as enjoy. So I test drove one, and could immediately see where all the journalists were coming from. Perhaps the twin-turbo, 4WD versions are more entertaining, but our humble front-wheel-drive, 150bhp 2.0 TDI feels – unsurprisingly I suppose, and at the risk of sounding like a stuck record – much like a Passat. Which means that its handling is utterly competent, safe and predictable, but not exciting or entertaining in any way. But then I drove it a bit further and everything became clear. Where the journalists have gone wrong is that they expected a car with striking, coupe-esque looks to be sporty. This isn’t, and therefore if you have a secret desire to be Lewis Hamilton you should buy something else. If, however, you’re motoring needs are more likely to involve some or all of the motorway network between Lewes and Hamilton, then trust me: you’ll want one of these. I – like, I suspect, most 40-year-old men – am very much in the second camp, and I think VW have nailed it. This car is a sublime long-distance tourer. The seats are supremely comfortable, the ride is perfectly judged and by some piece of engineering witchcraft, those frameless windows generate no wind noise at all. I’ve driven it across central and northern France, covering ten hours of driving in a single day, and I won’t pretend that I arrived fresh and alert because I didn’t. I arrived tired and cranky and in need of a drink. But the fact that I was in no physical pain is remarkable. It’s not just the driver that will be comfortable, either. Granted, the sloping roofline robs the rear seat of some headroom, which might be a problem if you ever need to give Richard Osman a lift. But the amount of legroom means that your children, even if they’re teenagers, will be able to positively luxuriate in there. And behind the rear seats, the quoted volume of boot space (563 litres) is more than in a BMW 5-series estate. What this translates to in real life, and I know this because I’ve done it, is (just) enough space for three people plus their bedding, clothing and scuba diving equipment to be driven from Staffordshire to Northumberland. And a weekend in London with my wife, a female friend and her thirteen-year-old daughter – in other words, three women who each have to pack multiple outfits for an evening at the theatre, because heaven forbid they could choose just one before leaving home in the morning – was a breeze. In the first 22k miles nothing - and I mean not one single thing - has gone wrong with the car and the only costs, apart from fuel have been for one service. That’s not to say that I don’t have a few niggles, though. If there’s ever a lack of grip, such as mud, snow or even a greasy road surface, the traction is rubbish. It’s a bit mean that there’s only one USB port. I know that listening to music on CDs is archaic these days, but even so, does the CD player have to be hidden away in the glove box instead of fitted into the dashboard? And I really can’t understand why there is no rear wiper. Ultimately, though, you can live with these things, as well as a slightly dull-looking interior. And you should. Because what VW have created is a grand tourer that’s as roomy inside as a limo, has enough boot space to rival many estate cars and yet is successfully disguised as a coupe. And if you’re a 40-year-old man, this means a car that’s good looking enough for you to quietly indulge your midlife crisis, but roomy, practical and comfortable enough that your employer, wife and family won’t mind. Most VWs, including my three previous Passat estates and my mum’s Golf, are cars that I started out by admiring and slowly grew to love. This one is different. I loved it as soon as I saw it, and I love it even more now.